It was just this previous Monday that I tweeted this:
#TheStruggleIsReal my friends. Sin is real, but God’s grace is deeper and wider.
I was talking with a friend Monday evening and we were talking about our current struggles and I couldn’t be more thankful for this friend. She is the very first person I shared my struggles with and it is so comforting to know that I have someone I can be vulnerable with. She knows more about me than almost anyone.
I never really understand how real sin was until I experienced the grace of my savior. Until I realized grace and accepted that grace, I realized what sin is, I realized how real it is and how real the devil is in our lives, especially for us as Christians.
I learned for 23 years to put on a pretty good facade, faking life as a good Christian that read the Bible, when the truth was far from that. Nearing my 24th birthday I realized that in order to better myself and to grow in my walk with Christ, I had to come clean with what I was struggling with. I finally sat down, just said to God…”I don’t want to do this anymore; I don’t want to live a life like this; I don’t want to be depressed any longer. God only you can save me from my sin and here I am today asking you to rescue me. I know you’ve chased me for many years and I pretty much laughed in your face, but today father I am begging you to come in and take me and make me clean. The only way I can overcome my addiction is to cling to you and by seeking you alone. Father, here today, January 3rd I am asking you, begging you, pleading with you to help me overcome my addiction to phone sex. I know that not having my dad as a constant in my life is no excuse, because you are my father, you are the father to the fatherless and I want to embrace that. I want to embrace all that you are for me, so Jesus today I declare victory over these sins and victory over this life you have created for me.” It was that day on January 3rd that I began a long healing process, between forgiving my father, becoming vulnerable with people I never imaged sharing my struggles with, being in scripture and learning how my story could rescue people I might come into contact with.
Knowing that I have been completely honest over this past year in sharing my struggles and my insecurities and desires I feel that it is only fair to myself and those whom I am in contact with, for me to be honest now.
Life as a graduate student is busy; life as a working graduate student is even busier. I have found over these last 2 weeks that I am struggling with getting into the word. I feel obligated to my homework and I justify not being in the word by saying “Well God has given me this opportunity, so I have to make it my priority”…and as true as that is, I can’t fully invest in my studies without making Jesus my priority. I find it fitting that as I am in this rut, in this lack of a desire to be in the word that I will be traveling to Houston for Passion. I am in some need of some straight up Jesus time. AND I cannot wait to be filled again. It’s like that song “Desert Song” —
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I’m filled to be emptied again
The seed I’ve recieved I will sow.
I am in dire need of being filled up again. and this weekend is what that is all about.
If you’re reading this, please be praying for all the 20,000 students, volunteers and chaperones that are going to experience all that passion is this weekend.
My heart is expectant for all the great things God is going to do this weekend and I cannot wait to report back and share all the goodness of it.